PACE —Your Parent-Child Conversations to Lower Stress and Build Connection

Leaning in with playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy opens up possibilities for trust in your parent-child relationships.

Picture this: Your teenager arrives home after school, slams the door shut, and tearfully proclaims, “I failed my math test. I’m a huge idiot, and I’m going to flunk out of school.”

How do you respond? Scenes like these can freeze parents in their tracks. Some might tell their child they’re overreacting and of course won’t fail out of school. Others might criticize the teen for slamming the door. And some others might pile on reassurances that their child isn’t an idiot at all, point out that they’re acing their other classes, and tell them not to worry about it.

Most parents are doing their best in these situations, trying to help their teenager put things in perspective, feel better, even to treat household objects with care. Why, then, does their child respond with anger, tell their parent they don’t know anything, and trudge to their room, the sound of yet another slammed door echoing behind them?

These conversations can feel impossible to navigate. Enter: the PACE attitude. Developed as part of Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy and popularized by therapist and teacher Dafna Lender, PACE was developed for these exact scenarios: To support parents and children in having stressful conversations in a constructive and compassionate way.

What is PACE?

PACE is a “way of thinking, feeling, communicating, and behaving” during these stressful moments. Parents respond to their child or teen using the four tenets of PACE: Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy. By incorporating this attitude into their responses, caregivers can provide their children with a safe place to uncover what is truly bothering them, knowing that their concerns will be met with kindness and seriousness.

Playfulness

When children are feeling emotions like anger, sadness, or fear, a poorly timed joke can come across as dismissive. The tenet of Playfulness isn’t about being funny, but about “creating an atmosphere of lightness and interest when you communicate.” When parents use a lighter tone of voice and express openness and hope, they can diffuse tension, increase feelings of connection, and help their child cope with challenging feelings. Playfulness may not be appropriate for all conversations, such as if a child has experienced a traumatic event, so be mindful with your use and omit it when needed.

Do: Use a lighter tone and voice (like when telling a story); create an open, spontaneous atmosphere; use jokes mindfully. Example: “You know, given how you’re taking more AP classes than I am right now, I’ve always seen you as so smart!”

Don’t: Use humor to make light of your child’s pain. Example: Sarcastically remarking, “Yeah, this test totally decides your entire future. You really are in trouble!”

Acceptance

Helping a child feel safe sharing their feelings requires caregivers to show unconditional acceptance. Caregivers show this by accepting their child’s inner life–thoughts, feelings, urges, motives, and perceptions–without judgment, just as it is. Acceptance does not mean condoning behaviors that led to the stressful moment or result from it, like yelling or insults–it means accepting the child for who they are, even if a parent needs to set limits or consequences for their behavior later on.

Do: Thank your child for sharing with you; express understanding for why they may have done a certain behavior; validate their feelings. Example: “You’ve been working really hard in that class. I can see how that would feel incredibly disappointing.”

Don’t: Tell them they’re exaggerating; minimize their feelings; offer solutions; discipline them in the middle of the conversation. Example: “I don’t care that you’re feeling upset–your yelling is unacceptable! March up to your room right now!”

Curiosity

By showing curiosity and genuine interest in their child’s experience, caregivers give their children the message that they truly want to understand–and to help their child become more aware of their own inner life. A child may truly not know why they did an undesired behavior or feel reluctant to explain, anticipating a lecture or correction. Questions asked in a calm, curious tone like, “What did you think was going on in that moment?” or “I wonder what…?” help a child reflect on why they behaved a certain way, feeling supported and safe enough to do so.

Do: Show active interest in your child’s experience; allow yourself to frame questions tentatively; continue to stay curious, leaving any consequence for undesired behavior for a calmer moment after the conversation. Example: “Gosh, things really feel hopeless right now. I wonder how long you’ve been feeling this way?”

Don’t: Aim to gather facts or interpret their experience; give the child advice; use a judgmental, annoyed, or critical tone. Example: “Why haven’t you tried asking your teacher for help already?”

Empathy

Empathizing with a child in pain allows them to “feel the adult’s compassion for her.” Empathy is joining the child in their distress, showing them that their inner life is important to you, and that you will get through this hard time together. Truly allowing yourself to try to feel what your child is feeling and providing support can build meaningful connection and trust.

Do: Put yourself in your child’s shoes, even reconnecting with how you felt at their age; use language that reflects the intensity of their emotions (example: “That sounds crushing” instead of “That sounds a little disappointing”); allow them to feel what they are feeling, without rushing them toward feeling better. Example: “This is so hard. I hear you. We’re going to get through this together.”

Don’t: Try to make them feel better by reassuring them things will be okay, or tell them they’re overreacting. Example: “It’s not a big deal to fail one little test; why are you being so sensitive?”

Caregivers don’t need to follow PACE in order. By attuning to your child and the conversation, you can consider when it might be most helpful to respond with Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, or Empathy. But attuning to your child in these moments can feel easier said than done–especially when a child is emotionally flooded.

What do I do when…

…my teen’s responses make me feel like I can’t say anything right?

When a teen is feeling ashamed and upset, their responses can feel unpredictable. One minute they say they’re stupid and need to give up; when their parent accepts their feelings, they angrily respond that you know they can’t give up because they want to go to college. It can easily feel like you’re saying all the wrong things–but keep the conversation going if your child is sticking around. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that your child is hurting. Their responses don’t mean they’re not taking in your words or working this through in their mind while talking with you. 

You can can also consider incorporating Playfulness at opportune moments to ease tension. Example: [Teen] “You don’t know anything about how I’m feeling! You’re not a teenager!” [Caregiver] “You’re right–it must feel like the last time I was a teenager, dinosaurs were still roaming the Earth. I can see how that would make it feel like I’m the last person who could get what you’re feeling.”

…it feels like I’m just letting my kid get away with being disrespectful? 

When a person is flooded with emotions, their ability to access the part of their brain that helps them think rationally and objectively markedly diminishes. This is especially true for children and teens, as their rational brains won’t fully develop until their twenties. Therefore, trying to teach a lesson or discipline a child when they are feeling intense emotions will only lead to escalation. This doesn’t mean letting a child be disrespectful, but choosing the right moment to enact discipline or consequences. Choose instead to take a deep breath and do what you need to care for yourself, then continue the conversation. In a calmer moment, revisit their behavior, discussing limits or consequences you will be placing as a result.

…my child won’t talk to me? 

Some children may stop talking or making eye contact, cover themselves with a blanket, or start to move around the room. Caregivers can feel that this is disrespectful–but these actions may actually be what the child needs to do to engage in the conversation. Being able to look away or respond with non-verbal communications like a shrug or thumbs up or down can help a child feel safe enough to engage with less risk of becoming overwhelmed. Neurodivergent children in particular may struggle to hear you if forced to make eye contact due to challenges in coordinating listening and looking behaviors. You can continue using PACE if a child isn’t talking, asking their permission: “I imagine it’s hard to talk about this right now. Would it be okay with you if I guess what you might be feeling, and you can give me a thumbs up, down, or in the middle to let me know how close to the mark I am?” Showing acceptance for the ways in which they communicate can help deepen trust and connection even further.

It can take practice to use PACE in these stressful moments while taking in the full force of a child or teen’s emotions. Try to allow yourself grace as you practice these skills, and consider engaging with a therapist familiar with PACE if you need further support. 

Interested? Submit a request here to connect with a PACE-informed clinician.

References

“About DDP.” Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) Network. https://ddpnetwork.org/about-ddp/

Carrié, Rachelle. “Understanding Emotional Hijacking: The Impact and Strategies for Management.” LinkedIn. February 6, 2024. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/understanding-emotional-hijacking-impact-strategies-rachelle-cc0ie/

“Dafna Lender.” https://www.dafnalender.com/

Lender, Dafna. “Integrated attachment family therapy training.” Dafna Lender. https://www.dafnalender.com/programs/certificate-in-integrated-attachment-family-therapy-training

Lender, Dafna. “Validating a child’s feelings using PACE.” YouTube. November 21, 2023. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=On9hcSGiKdc

Stewart, Rozella. “Should We Insist on Eye Contact with People who have Autism Spectrum Disorders.” Indiana Resource Center for Autism, Indiana University. https://www.iidc.indiana.edu/irca/articles/should-we-insist-on-eye-contact-with-people-who-have-autism-spectrum-disorders.html

“What is meant by PACE?” DDP Network. https://ddpnetwork.org/about-ddp/meant-pace/