“Get a Job Already!” Why Pushing Your Young Adult Child Toward Adulthood Doesn’t Work—and What to Try Instead
Parents of struggling young adults can often find themselves pushing their children to plan for their futures—only to be met with resistance. Rather than adding more oomph to the effort, consider leaning in to the relationship itself.
Many parents of young adults struggling to enter adulthood come into my office feeling hopeless, lost, and unsure of how to best support their adult child. These challenges can be even more complex for parents of neurodivergent young adults who may struggle more with executive functioning—starting tasks, managing their time, organization, and more. Seeing their child seemingly stuck in place, isolated in their room without a clear plan for the future, parents often find themselves pushing their child hard to choose a career and learn life skills. When I ask about the fear that pushes them to engage with their child in these ways, parents describe a detailed picture of their child decades from now who cannot live alone, take care of themselves, or keep a job—a fear that would haunt any caring parent.
More often than not, young adults meet their parents’ demands with resistance. Instead of this approach leading the young adult to gain confidence and move forward, parents often see them shrink away or respond defensively, with everyone feeling increased tension. Now, not only is the young adult stuck right where they started, their relationships with their parents are that much more strained.
It’s a challenging situation. When parents fear the worst—that their child will not be able to survive in the world without them—and don’t see their child taking initiative, it can feel like there is no other choice than to hover, nag, and constantly initiate conversations about their future, even as their child fights it. However, there are alternatives. Parents can try another approach to help their young adult child move forward in their life.
Take a Breath and Slow Down
For parents entering my office, it often feels like time is running out. They’ve seen their young adult struggle, sometimes for years, and fear that their child will only sink more and more into helplessness if they don’t act quickly. While it’s understandably hard to slow down while feeling this fear, it’s an incredibly important step that will likely save time and strengthen the relationship in the long run.
Your child didn’t start struggling with all of this overnight. So often, these patterns—parents pushing, young adults pulling back—have existed for a long time, often resulting in tension and broken relationships. It can be a tough sell to ask parents to slow down, put their own priorities for their child to the side, and focus on their relationships with their child for now. I empathize with parents who hear this and feel their anxiety spike, fearing that time taken to slow down is time lost.
There may be another way to look at this, starting with asking yourself some questions. How well has this current pattern been working? Maybe your child has had some jobs here and there, maybe attended college for a little bit. How long did these endeavors last? How well did your child seem to engage with them—confidently and independently, or missing deadlines and arriving late? Did they really maintain a healthy and comfortable home when pushed into an apartment, or did you visit weeks later to find them struggling with their hygiene and dishes piled high in the sink?
The young adult may have truly tried their hardest, and parents may have had good intentions. But there are steps that young adults need to accomplish first before they are able to really succeed in these endeavors. Parents, if you keep pushing your child in this way, do you feel confident that they will succeed that much more quickly—or do you recognize that you might instead end up repeating a fruitless pattern that leaves you all in the same place a year from now?
Focus on the Relationship
Parents may agree that what they’ve tried hasn’t been working, but understandably wonder, “What do we do in the meantime to support our child?” This is a time for renewing and restoring your relationship with your young adult child. I’m going to guess that your interactions have become strained over the years: they sigh or flee the room when you initiate conversations about their future, groan or get defensive when you scrunch your nose at the mess in their room. Likely, you as a parent also feel frustrated and maybe even resentful as you see your child push back against all of your efforts to help.
When distrust and even dislike are present between a parent and child, it can be incredibly challenging for growth to occur. As an analogy, think about supervisors you may have had at past jobs. Did you find yourself succeeding more with a calm and understanding supervisor who acknowledged your accomplishments, gave you autonomy and freedom, set firm but fair boundaries, and was available to offer support when asked? How about when you had a critical supervisor who micromanaged your work, corrected you constantly, imposed their ways of doing things without offering curiosity into other ways of thinking, and seemed to only notice your mistakes without recognizing your strengths and value? Many people, especially those who are struggling, are likely to grow in an environment where they feel appreciated, that their unique strengths and ways of doing things are respected, and that they are able to work autonomously while knowing that compassionate support is available when they need help.
There is evidence that the first experiences of shame come from negative self evaluation that arises from the feelings we sense about how others are evaluating us. Many young adults who are struggling to take on the responsibilities of adulthood feel bogged down in shame, especially as they take in judgement and criticism from culture, society, and sometimes from parents, teachers, doctors, helpers, even therapists. In fact, most adults who isolate themselves in their rooms, let their hygiene go, and have no clear path forward are actually not feeling great about themselves and not necessarily simply enjoying their free time. In my experience, the vast majority of young adults WANT to do what they see their peers doing—pursue a meaningful career, live independently, have friendships and romantic relationships—but are stuck in place by shame.
Shame is a feeling that tells us, “You are bad and broken at your very core. You are hopeless.” I don’t know about you, but when I’ve been deep in shame myself, I haven’t felt confident about setting and achieving goals, let alone ones as big as college or a career. A person bogged down in shame may want these things, but is so completely enveloped by the belief that they are fundamentally incapable that they don’t give themselves a chance to try—knowing that they could potentially fail.
These young adults need to find some relief from their shame in order to feel resilient and capable enough to take these steps. Parents themselves may feel shame, too—”What does it say about me that my kid is struggling like this?” So offer yourself compassion as well. Spending time repairing this strained relationship can heal the shame and open the door to trust and connection. Spend time remembering what has delighted you about your child in the past and strengths that you might still see in your child today. Initiate moments to spend time together doing an activity you both enjoy, like taking walks or seeing a movie. Let your child know in advance that you’ve noticed things have felt strained between you lately, and that you want to spend time with them without talking about their future; this will help them begin to trust that they can let their guard down. Then, keep your word. Spend this time reacquainting yourself with each other. Ask them about their hobbies, and genuinely listen—resist the urge to ask them why they spend their time this way instead of looking for jobs, or seeing if they can monetize their creative work. Ask them about their online friendships—resist telling them they should seek friendships in “real life.” Instead, celebrate that they are socializing and connecting with others.
Reconnecting with your young adult like this can be incredibly challenging as you struggle with feelings like fear, anxiety, frustration, and resentment. Sharing a muffin together at a coffee shop might be the hardest thing you do all week! Remind yourself that, at the end of the day, what you want most is for your child to live a safe, stable life, and that this is a step that cannot be skipped over or rushed. Remind yourself that your child is steeped in shame and likely wants so much more for their life than how they’re currently living. And seek support for yourself. Lean on your loved ones—well out of earshot from your child. Take care of your basic needs like sleep and exercise, and consider therapy to have a space of your own to help you navigate these challenging feelings.
Help Your Child Connect to Meaning
As you continue to build this foundation, hold back on making demands of your child. You might let your child know that it’s helpful when they assist with certain chores—but, this isn’t the time to try to make them commit to a regular chores routine. Praise them for any behavior you notice that’s helpful or supportive to themselves. Even if it’s something that feels small to you—taking their laundry out of the dryer, putting their plate in the dishwasher, wiping up a spill—recognize it: “Thanks for taking care of that, I appreciate it.” These moments of praise and recognition are like putting money in the bank—they help your child feel more capable and proud, and strengthen your relationship as they see you notice their efforts.
As you see your relationship grow—maybe noticing signs like them spending more time in common areas of the house or engaging more calmly in conversations with you—, you may find your foundation is now strong enough to help them take steps forward. No, this is not the time to get back to grilling them about when they’re going to get a job. That will only restart the pattern you’ve just worked so hard to break out of. Instead, continue to focus on the relationship and on helping them build a life they consider worth living.
When you’ve reached this point, see if they’d be willing to sit down and talk, giving them the option ahead of time to pause the conversation whenever they need. In a gentle, nonjudgmental tone, you can initiate a conversation expressing your concerns and asking if there are ways you can support them. “I’m so glad we’ve been able to connect more in these past months. I’ve noticed that, in the past year, you’ve spent a lot of time in your bedroom sleeping. I care about you and am concerned, since people who do this might be feeling depressed or stuck. I wonder if we can talk about how you’ve been feeling lately; you deserve a space to talk, and I’d like to learn what I can do to be most supportive for you.”
In this example, the parent is focusing on the behaviors they’ve observed in their child—isolating in their room and sleeping for much of the day. This is more objective and will likely go over much better with the young adult rather than judgmental or opinionated statements that will leave them feeling misunderstood and defensive (“I’ve noticed you’ve been super lazy and unambitious lately” or “You’re clearly depressed”). In the above example, the parent expresses care and concern, and asks their child for permission to talk, emphasizing their desire to support them in the ways the young adult would actually find helpful.
If your child begins to share, LISTEN. Focus on empathizing with and validating how your child is feeling. (“I can see how disappointing it would feel to struggle with your job after seeing your younger brother get a promotion.”) See if there are interests they’ve been wanting to pursue—joining a club or community, taking an art class, going on more walks. Express curiosity and see if there are ways you can be of support to help them connect to these interests: you might offer rides to class, be a walking buddy, or help them research where this community meets.
This is *still* not the time to try to get them to plan out their future or find a job, unless they’ve specifically expressed that. Instead, this is a time to help them get out into their community, feel capable, and increase positive feelings from connecting with something that feels meaningful to them. A person steeped in shame needs to figure out how to make their way back out into the world and connect with meaning and joy. Only after that happens can a person truly move forward to take on the responsibilities of young adulthood.
Collaborate, Don’t Convince
This can all take time—some young adults may even need a year or two to transition out from under shame to be ready to consider their next steps in life. For their confidence and your own peace of mind, notice every win you can, even the ones that seem small. Have they been attending a club regularly or going to the gym? Are they showering more often or running a few errands? After a time of such stuckness, everyone deserves to celebrate these moments.
As they continue to grow in confidence and capability, ask them if they’d be willing to take on some more responsibilities around the house. Collaborate with them on what those will be and allow them to complete these tasks in their own way. If they agree to do their laundry but you notice there are wrinkles afterward, do NOT comment on them—celebrate the fact that they’re doing their laundry at all. As trust continues to build, you may be able to offer help with addressing the wrinkles later if they’re interested. Offer to help them learn different life skills: “You’ve mentioned wanting to learn to cook—I wonder if I can enlist you as my sous chef for dinner sometime this week? You can choose the meal.” Keep following their lead—if they say no or resist something, take this as data and pull back for now, continuing to focus on strengthening the relationship and helping them connect to what feels meaningful.
More often than not, after a period of relationship rebuilding and time to engage in their interests, young adults themselves broach the topics of college, career, or living independently. They may not only feel more confident in themselves, but more confident in your ability to collaborate with them and offer compassionate support instead of responding with demands or judgment. Don’t rush this—take time to sit with them and really listen to what they actually want out of college or a career. Meet them where they’re at, go at their own pace, and offer to connect them to supports if they’re interested: executive functioning coaches can help students build time management and organizational skills for college, MetroAccess and other transportation services can help them get to their job, and therapists can help them have a space to navigate all of the feelings that come with taking on these responsibilities.
Your young adult child may struggle to take steps into adulthood, and may take longer than their peers. But, by rebuilding your relationship, helping them get in touch with their interests, and collaborating with them instead of pushing them, you will often find your child entering young adulthood with more confidence and success.
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