Things I Learned as a (Neurotypical) School Counselor for Neurodivergent Students

Melissa worked with neurodivergent students as a school counselor for 14 years.   This month, she’s sharing lessons learned about what does - and doesn’t - work when it comes to supporting kids with autism & ADHD.

For the past 14 years, I’ve worked in various educational settings as a school mental health counselor, and will soon be transitioning to full-time clinical work at Starobin Counseling.  Working in schools, I’ve engaged with students who have diverse strengths and challenges, many of whom are neurodivergent. This work has taught me valuable lessons about myself and how to best support young people.  

Autistic educator Stephen Shore is famously known for his expression, “If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.”  There’s truth in that.  My most recent educational setting specialized in educating autistic children and teens.  Each autistic student I met and supported has offered me unique experiences. As I reflect on my work with students over the years, I noticed some common themes among many of my neurodivergent students. The following are some of the lessons I’ve learned.

One: Adults always model behavior (whether they mean to or not)

When students enter their school environment, they encounter adults who have a variety of roles. Regardless of their specific role, adults are always modeling behaviors for students whether they realize it or not. As a school counselor, I help students explore their feelings. I help them manage those feelings and respond in effective ways, especially during challenging moments. As with all humans, I encounter challenging moments, often in real time right in front of my students. In those moments—when things don't go as planned, I make a mistake, or I feel tired or overwhelmed—it’s crucial for me to be aware of how I react. When I make a mistake, I own it and apologize if necessary. I make a point to focus on what I learned from what happened, while also acknowledging the frustration or embarrassment I felt. When a plan fails or something unexpected happens, I acknowledge my disappointment, then shift to a Plan B. I often tell my students that I also use self-calming and coping strategies to handle life's challenges. When we acknowledge our own feelings, show vulnerability, and model using coping strategies, students might see us being flexible. They are then more likely to try it themselves.

Two: Authenticity is key

As mental health clinicians, many of us learn to utilize ourselves in the therapeutic relationship and process. If we come across as robotic or in some way not our authentic selves, clients tend to pick up on it, and sessions and therapeutic rapport can fall flat. I quickly realized that to help my neurodivergent students build a positive self-image, I first needed to be my true self in our sessions. Only then could I encourage them to lower their guard and be their authentic, complex selves. I do not need to be perfect or know all the answers. In fact, it is best when I allow plenty of time for both myself and my student to sit with something hard, explore the feelings that arise, and together brainstorm how they might handle it. I show my true self to students by being silly, laughing at myself, and admitting when I don’t know something. This invites them to be authentic too. In our counseling space, they can be themselves without fear of judgment.

Three: Kids need a safe space to explore

Masking, or hiding autistic traits to better fit in socially with neurotypical peers, is an important topic in the autism community. Research shows that autistic people who mask experience more depression and anxiety. This is true when you compare them to those who do not mask. This topic comes up fairly often during sessions with my students. In an attempt to help them develop a strong positive self-image and acceptance of themselves, many of my students have been lovingly told by adults that masking is not something they need to do. I’ve learned that my neurodivergent students need a safe space to reflect on the pros and cons of changing their behaviors, mannerisms, and communication styles. This helps them understand how making these changes affects them socially and emotionally. Saying “be yourself because you are amazing” is true, but it’s not enough. We must also acknowledge how hard this can be. Interacting with neurotypical people presents challenges. Accepting oneself in a world that often overlooks differences can be a daily struggle. I learned that the choice to mask in social situations isn't mine to make for my students. My job is to create a space where they can explore this topic and all of its nuances. Many students say they feel most comfortable when they can be their true selves. When they are ready, I can help students learn to educate others. This way, they can advocate for themselves in social settings and feel successful. Many students find success and gain self-esteem through this process; but I also hold space for those who are still grappling with these questions, even well into adulthood.

Four: Humor is essential

Last, but not least, is the importance of sharing laughter together. Life is hard. People and social relationships are often confusing and frustrating. Feelings (or “the F word," as one of my students calls them) are complicated and at times exhausting. Managing all this, for any human being, can be downright grueling—especially for kids. My students and I tackle many difficult things together, but we also make time for lots of fun and humor. I follow their lead since everyone, especially neurodivergent people, enjoy and understand different types of humor. We create silly stories and songs. We laugh at ridiculous memes, and sometimes we make our own. We aim to balance the heavy with plenty of humor. My students have the best senses of humor, and they keep me laughing every day. That sense of play and fun helps us build and maintain rapport. I hope my students see that life can be tough, but it’s also joyful. There are many moments of connection that aren’t always heavy or difficult. 

As I transition to full-time private practice over the next few months, I take with me these lessons and many others. Working with neurodivergent students in schools has been a great blessing for me. My students often surprise me. They share ideas I would never think of. Their creativity and bravery amaze me. They also show me how beautiful it is to accept each other deeply. I am grateful to be taking these lessons with me in my clinical work going forward.

References:

Belcher, H. Autistic people and masking. National Autistic Society, July 7 2022

Teaching Children With Autism About Humor. Autism Response Team, April 28, 2025