Do You Deserve Compassion? Yes, and You Can Give it To Yourself. Here’s How:

The harshest judgment we face is often our own. In this month’s blog, Melissa Hinton, LCSW-C offers an alternative path when faced with adversity and pain: self-compassion.

Imperfection, suffering, failure. Most people will agree that these experiences are all part of life. In fact, if someone you encounter tells you of their struggles with one of these, you will likely respond in a way that offers support, understanding and grace. You will probably offer words of encouragement in the hopes that they will not be too hard on themselves and remain stuck in their misery. In contrast, many of us have great difficulty extending the same care towards ourselves when we struggle, make a mistake or come up short in our lives. If you pay close attention, you might notice your own internal voice and what it tells you in your most challenging moments. The truth is, that inner voice rarely sounds as supportive as the one we use when speaking to others. The voice you hear is likely much more critical, harsh and less understanding when turned toward yourself and your own pain. 

As humans, why do we do this? Why do we offer care and support to those around us and treat ourselves with criticism and judgement? It could be that at some point you internalized negative statements from someone else, you may believe that being tough on yourself will motivate you to do better or you don’t think you deserve grace because you should already know how to do better. Whatever the reason, that negative voice is there in the background and it is likely not as helpful or motivating as you might think. It’s more likely that your critical internal voice is keeping you stuck in discomfort and is not allowing you to heal and grow in those challenging moments. 

If you are someone who tends to be hard on yourself (most of us are), I invite you to consider the practice of self-compassion. Sounds a little woo-woo, right? Maybe even a little self-indulgent. Who has the time? I will make the argument that the effort is worth it, and the best place to start is noticing that inner voice and recognizing that your automatic negative self -talk is something that most humans experience, especially when we feel that we have dropped the ball, not lived up to our own standards or made a mistake. Then get ready to gently challenge it and offer yourself some of the same support, kindness and encouragement you would offer to a friend or loved-one (and probably even a stranger). You may be surprised at the result. As you begin to accept your feelings and respond to yourself with compassion, you may come to see that your struggles stem from being human—not from being inherently flawed. With that realization, you may begin to better understand that real growth flourishes through patience and care, not harsh judgment.

Before introducing a short but powerful exercise to get you started, it’s helpful to first understand a few key ideas about self-compassion. Dr. Kristin Neff has been studying and developing self-compassion practices for over 20 years. Through Dr. Neff’s research, she has found that self-criticism leads to feelings of isolation, depression and a deeper fear of failure. In contrast, and perhaps paradoxically, self-compassion provides the safety needed to see ourselves clearly, accept pain and imperfection, and provides an emotionally supportive environment that is needed for positive change and growth. Although it can sometimes seem easier to punish and judge ourselves and push away negative feelings, the more beneficial and effective response is accepting our own discomfort and offering care and support as we navigate challenging situations. 

A final point to consider is that self-compassion is not the same as self-esteem. Self-esteem often depends on comparison—it increases when we see ourselves as performing better than others. In that sense, it can be rooted in separateness and a feeling of superiority. Self-compassion, by contrast, connects us to our shared humanity. It reminds us that struggle, imperfection, and difficulty are not personal failures, but universal parts of the human experience.

If I’ve persuaded you that self-compassion might be a wiser response when your inner critic appears, I invite you to try the following exercise, which can be found here in more detail. Give yourself a few minutes to sit quietly with your thoughts and do the following:

Step 1

Think about a situation in your life that is causing you stress or discomfort. Say to yourself: “This is tough and I notice that I am suffering.” Any variation on that will do. The important part is acknowledging that you are experiencing something difficult.

Step 2

Next, say to yourself “I am not alone in experiencing this feeling. Suffering and struggle is a part of everyone’s life.” Again, any variation on this is fine. This step helps you feel less isolated in your feelings and experience. 

Place your hand over your heart or give yourself a gentle hug if you are so inclined. Notice how this self-sooting touch can provide an extra layer of comfort that you’ve offered to yourself.

Step 3 

Finally, ask yourself, “What can I say to myself right now that will offer support and kindness?” This may be a reminder that you deserve grace, understanding and forgiveness in this moment. You may also remind yourself that, as a human, this experience is understandable and give yourself the permission to be with your feelings and gently let go of judgemental thoughts. 

Like any meaningful shift, moving from self-criticism to self-compassion takes practice. For many of us, being hard on ourselves has been a lifelong habit, learned and reinforced over time. Our culture often teaches us that progress requires pressure and self-discipline at all costs. Yet this practice offers a different perspective: that growth is more likely to happen when it’s rooted in understanding, support, and kindness. These qualities don’t weaken us—they create the conditions for healing and lasting positive change.

References

Self-Compassion Institute with Dr. Kristin Neff: What is Self-Compassion? 

Self-Compassion Institute with Dr. Kristin Neff: Exercise 2: Self-Compassion Break