Ready, Set, Rumble

A small thing, like lending a helping hand at the right moment, can often have the effect of a big thing for the person receiving it.

It seems there is a looming fear of how to show up for people when they are suffering or struggling. So many of us are eager to help and support each other and simultaneously we fear showing up empty-handed without solutions or the “right” things to say. This is true of times when we want to support a loved one through grief, a family member through a traumatic event, or a friend through the ongoing microaggressions that many of us experience as members of certain communities, such as the neurodivergent community. 

“Trauma” is a conveniently and inconveniently vague buzzword these days, so for the purposes of discussing supporting one another, I like to use Resmaa Menakem’s definition: 

“Trauma in its simplest form is anything that happens that is 

too much, too fast, too soon, or too long
coupled with nothing or not enough of something reparative…”

Microaggressions are subtle and often unintentional actions that contribute to discriminate against members of communities and they are perfect examples of expressions happening too much, too fast, too soon, and too long. Microaggressions weather our nervous systems and bodies. When we sense someone’s need for something reparative in response to these microaggressions, it’s hard to know what to offer them since, as witnesses to the suffering, we do not know or understand what it’s like to experience those microaggressions. We want to fix it for them so badly - and that’s the rub: it’s not about fixing what happened. It’s about holding space for and hearing their story as they experienced it. This goes for instances when we cannot understand their narrative from our own experience. We drastically underestimate what we can offer to our suffering and struggling loved ones when we think that listening, believing, and being with them will be inadequate.

The difference between suffering with someone and suffering alone is huge. Studies show that when we cry with someone else, our bodies release oxytocin - and if you’re not one for chemical explanations - the body responds the same way mothers and babies do when they first meet: deep connection (Tartaryn, 2019). It’s powerful to be with someone and simply say “I’m here for you” with your words or with your actions. This is a lot of what trauma work is - holding space for the process and resisting the temptation to offer definitions for the unknown. And since healing from trauma is such an individual process, it is always unknown. 

When we are struggling with powerful systems that seem stacked against us and we feel powerless, hurt, and helpless, it can be too much for our individual nervous systems. That’s what the feeling of being overwhelmed can tell us. The good news is that we are designed to seek out communal resources - additional nervous systems - so that we can recover and repair from the harm. That’s what being a witness to someone’s struggle with microaggressions from racism, ableism, sexism can do. We all have the potential to be someone’s resource to recover. 

Akilah Riley Richardson refers to this process as “the rumble”. We can engage with the rumble by turning towards and tuning in with our emotions, bodies, and minds. We can do this in the presence of others to help us metabolize the harm we have suffered into power and fuel for our recovery and self-advocacy. This can happen in the context of therapy but it can happen in other relationships too. If we can slow down enough, resist the urge to offer solutions that fix the problem, maintain our boundaries so that we do not take on some else’s struggle as our own, and stay curious and interested even when it does not match our experiences, the rumble can move us through the process from being stuck in the trauma to being moved to action and change. 

So in the context of Autism Acceptance Month, here’s the challenge: Can you resist the urge to push a neurodivergent mind to see things the way your neurotypical mind does, stay curious and interested, hold healing space for however they communicate their experience of the world, and believe in their stories of microaggressions? Can you lend them your attention and mind so that they may have what they need to repair and recover? I’ll rumble with it. I hope you will too. 

References:

All About Healthy Crying: A Little Book on Emotions. Tartaryn, Douglass. 2019. https://bioemotiveframework.com/shop/ebook-all-about-healthy-crying/ 

Blindspot: Tulsa Burning Episode 5: The Body. Menakem, Resmaa. NPR. June 25th, 2021. https://www.npr.org/podcasts/996597689/blindspot

Connectfulness Practice Podcast: Episode 46 The Impact of Racism on Relationships with Akilah Riley Richardson. Richardson, Akilah Riley. September 21st, 2022. https://connectfulness-practice.captivate.fm/episode/s3e46-akilah-riley-richardson