The Ongoing Journey to Self-Love

Self-love isn’t a destination, it’s a practice. In this month’s blog, Melissa Hinton, LCSW-C explains what that practice might look - and feel - like.

Lately, I have been thinking about the concept of self-love and how elusive it can be for so many.  It comes up in my life in so many forms, so it’s been hard to ignore:

I am a mother of two teenagers, one a boy who is keenly aware of how he looks to others (“mom, please don’t do that–there are people watching”) and the other a girl who spends much of her allotted daily screen time on social media, offering up its never ending smorgasbord of social comparison and vanity. How can I, as a mother, help them develop the knowledge that they are truly wonderful and worthy just as they are, despite all of the external input telling them their worth comes from comparing themselves to others and changing to make themselves more like the people with the most likes and followers?

I am a therapist with clients who range in age, middle schoolers through adults. Despite being different ages and going through different life stages, many of my clients at some point express a desire to more deeply understand, accept and appreciate themselves just as they are while also recognizing that they still want to grow and evolve. One of my young adult clients recently stated that she wants to love herself as she is and stop thinking that she cannot or will not be truly happy until she reaches a specific weight or gains a specific number of followers on social media. An older adult client commented that she would like to develop closer adult friendships, but until that happens, would also like to be more comfortable spending time in her own company instead of always focusing on her perceived deficits. These conversations remind me that people of all ages struggle with knowing how to embrace themselves, just as they are, and also speaks to a desire to develop self-love while also wanting to make positive changes in their lives. 

I happen to be at the age where my body and mind no longer look and function as they once did. My hair is greying and my wrinkles are deepening, and I wish I could tell you that these things do not bother me. Yet, I find myself scouring the internet for the latest cream that might hold my wrinkles at bay or cover my grey a little bit longer before I have to color them again. I notice feelings of embarrassment and annoyance that I need to pull out my reading glasses to read the restaurant’s menu. Although, with age, I have noticed a slight decrease in caring what most people think of me, I still struggle to feel completely comfortable in my own skin and changing body. On one hand, I want to hold onto my youth-like qualities as long as I can, on the other, I want to lean into fuller acceptance of where I am in this season of my life.

These experiences, along with the nonstop messaging about what we should buy or do to improve ourselves, have left me pondering something: how can we cultivate a deeper self-love that isn't dependent on others' opinions, our appearance, or our achievements? And how can that self-love become the foundation for making changes that genuinely support our health and well-being, rather than changes driven by self-criticism or the desire to be acceptable to others? 

Cultivating self-love is a practice, not a destination, and everyone is on their own journey. What we are trying to achieve is a sense of self-acceptance that is stable regardless of external circumstances. It is something both elusive and worth striving for. The alternative is relying on others to tell us who we are and what we are worth, often only based on our appearance and achievements. I humbly offer a few things that may help if you, too, are interested in joining me on this self-love cultivation journey:

Pay close attention to the voice in your head that is telling you that you do not look or appear X enough (successful, young, attractive, fit, rich, smart…this list could go on and on). Be curious about that thought: is it coming from a place based on your own values or concerns about your health or well-being? Or is it based on someone else’s standards, biases and societal programming? My bet is that most of those thoughts come from the latter. Just notice them and gently remind yourself that you don’t have to buy into these thoughts and practice letting them go. 

Practice self-compassion by embracing the parts about yourself that aren’t “perfect” by your own or society’s standards. Remind yourself: Perfect does not exist. We are all doing the best we can on most days and even if someone else seems like they have it all together, they have imperfections and challenges, too. Your worth and awesomeness do not depend on anything external, nor do they require you to show up in any particular way. 

Decide which things you want to change in your life and be clear about why you are choosing to work toward those goals. I love dialectics and this one may be one of my favorites: You can love yourself, including all of your complicated and imperfect parts, and you can still want to make changes. Here is the most beautiful thing about cultivating self-love: when you accept yourself, you can make changes because you want to, not because you need to in order to be acceptable or worthy by anyone else’s standards.

Finally, put your time and energy into those relationships that build you up, allow you to be fully yourself without shame or feeling like you have to mask to be accepted, and leave you with a feeling of fullness instead of depletion. These are the people who mirror back to you your inherent worth and unique amazingness. 

These practices are not easy. They are things that we need to remind ourselves of every day, likely several times a day. We live in a world that provides an onslaught of images and messages that run entirely counter to these practices and beliefs. I will probably still buy that face cream and may never fully love my wrinkles, but I am going to pay very close attention to what I say to myself when I look in the mirror. I will try to make daily choices from a mindful place and check in with myself when I feel less-than or unworthy. In those moments, I am hopeful that these practices will help to remind me that no external circumstance has the power to tell me who I am or what I am worth and encourage me to make choices that are in line with my values and own sense of well-being. 

Reference:

How to Accept Yourself: A Guide to Self-Love. Therapy Central, November 25, 2025