"Help, I've Lost My Skills!" How to Navigate Autistic Skill Loss and Live More Sustainably

Struggling with tasks that used to feel easy can be unsettling and scary. But these skills may not truly be lost—just in need of a new approach.

After receiving an autism diagnosis, experiencing autistic burnout, or seeking out ways to safely unmask, a person may find themselves having seemingly lost skills or abilities they had before. Suddenly, things that used to seem manageable–tasks at work, socializing, taking care of oneself, engaging in beloved hobbies–now feel incredibly challenging, making the person feel frustrated, unsettled, or even terrified that these skills will never return.

Why does this skill loss occur? There are several theories as to why this happens.

Why am I losing my skills?

Skill loss in autistic adults often comes as a result of autistic burnout. After spending years trying to survive in a society designed for neurotypicals–often hiding one’s autistic traits–a person can reach a “state of incapacitation, exhaustion, and distress in every area of life.” Writer Ira Kraemer describes the experience of autistic burnout as, “...you can no longer hide yourself in society. You can no longer step outside and have that ‘shield’ in front of you”—a shield that masks one’s authentic, autistic self. 

Skill loss can also be known as “skill regression,” a term Kraemer dislikes: “Society sees autistic people as ‘regressing’ simply because we are being our autistic selves and because we have been taught (implicitly or explicitly) to suppress our identity for our entire lives. No one’s regressing. That adult, or that kid, is the same person they were a month ago. They just can’t pretend to be someone else out in the open anymore.”

Skill loss can happen as a person masks less, becoming more aware of how suppressing their autistic traits affects their physical and mental health. After gaining this context, it can become hard, if not impossible, to overlook the pain and discomfort that has always come with completing tasks this way. Previously, a person may have ignored or “put up with” this discomfort while pressuring themselves to engage in tasks like their neurotypical peers, not fully recognizing how detrimental this has been to their health.Once they receive an explanation for why these tasks have been so challenging, the exhaustion and strain become much harder to ignore.

Another theory for why skill loss happens is based on the concept of context dependent memory. A person comes to learn and practice skills in the context of either not knowing they are autistic, or while actively masking their autism. When the context changes–they receive their diagnosis or take steps to unmask–, these skills become harder to access. As neuroscientist Ludovico Saint Amour di Chanaz explains, “When you have lived your whole life by being in a constant state of tension and masking [and] learn to do things under this state, when you have your diagnosis and you drop the mask…suddenly you forget to do things because to access those things, you would need to be in the same state in which you learned them.”

Hormonal changes can additionally trigger skill loss in autistic women and people assigned female at birth. While more research is needed on this important subject, it is documented that autistic women may be able to mask their autistic traits until they reach menopause, when sensory sensitivities can intensify. Menopause can heighten pre-existing cognitive, social, emotional, and sensory challenges, and even generate new ones, making it no longer possible for the person experiencing it to do things the way they have always been done.

So…is this forever?

The fear that these skills will be forever lost can be terrifying. However, this may only be temporary, with some seeing it as a natural–though frustrating–part of the unmasking process or result of burnout. Resting is the most important part of recovery–considering where you might be able to lessen expectations and stressors for a period of time. This is the time to lean on any supporters in your life who may be able to assist with child care or chores, or to take time off from work to focus on healing. If you do not have access to these supports and privileges, you may instead need to consider where in your life you can feasibly pull back–if there are chances during the day where you can take a few more breaks, increase the quality of your rest at home, or give yourself permission to do things “good enough” for now.

It is also important to give yourself grace during this process. While it can be hard to believe that these skills could one day return, it can be helpful to consider instead that you have not necessarily lost them completely–but instead need to relearn how to do them within the context of being autistic. As you begin to recover, start looking at the areas of your life that bring the most stress and strain and consider how daily life may need to be adjusted to better suit your needs. Is there any flexibility in your work schedule to schedule in more breaks or work at hours that better suit you? Are there accommodations you can request at your job to increase your comfort, such as having a quiet place to work or permission to use tools like noise-cancelling headphones and fidgets? Can you complete chores in a way that feels more sustainable for you instead of following all of the steps you may have been taught? (Check out the book How to Keep House While Drowning for more tips on how to compassionately care for yourself and rethink the way you approach housework.) Experiment to see how it feels to do tasks in different ways, noticing how your body and mind respond. It may feel awkward, messy, and frustrating at first, but keep trying. Consider working with a therapist, executive functioning coach, or a career counselor if you would like a partner in brainstorming ways you can more sustainably approach these tasks.

References:

Autistic burnout: Defining, measuring, and understanding with Dr. Dora Raymaker. NJ Autism Center of Excellence. November 19, 2020. 

Autistic Burnout, “Regression,” and Identity Crisis – #TaketheMaskOff Week 4. Kraemer, Ira. Autistic Science Person. August 14, 2018. 

Coelho, C. A. O., Mocle, A. J., Jacob, A. D., Ramsaran, A. I., Rashid, A. J., Köhler, S., Josselyn, S. A., & Frankland, P. W. (2024). Dentate gyrus ensembles gate context-dependent neural states and memory retrieval. Science advances, 10(31), eadn9815. 

Embracing the Person Under the Mask: How to Rediscover and Reclaim Your Neurodivergent Traits. Jacques, Sarah. Starobin Counseling. February 22, 2024. 

Generic Art Dad [@genericartdad]. (April 21, 2023). Why do I suddenly suck at the things I used to be good at? Surprise! The answer’s not that simple. Instagram. 

Groenman, A. P., Torenvliet, C., Radhoe, T. A., Agelink van Rentergem, J. A., & Geurts, H. M. (2022). Menstruation and menopause in autistic adults: Periods of importance? Autism: the international journal of research and practice, 26(6), 1563–1572. 

“How Do You Take a Break From Life?” — Coping with Autistic Burnout. Jacques, Sarah. Starobin Counseling. May 25, 2023. 

Moseley, R. L., Druce, T., & Turner-Cobb, J. M. (2020). 'When my autism broke': A qualitative study spotlighting autistic voices on menopause. Autism: the international journal of research and practice, 24(6), 1423–1437. 

Saint Amour di Chanaz, Ludovico [@brain.curiosities]. (May 20, 2024). Context dependent memory and skill regression #adhd #autism #adhdawareness #braincuriosities #learn Instagram. 

The “Wall of Awful”: Why Starting “Simple” Tasks Isn’t So Simple After All. Jacques, Sarah. Starobin Counseling. August 22, 2024. 

Understanding Autistic Regression in Adults. NeuroNav.