Infertility and Perinatal Loss: How It Affects Your Marriage and Why We Need to Break the Silence
Infertility and loss don’t just break hearts. They quietly reshape marriages. Healing begins when people face the pain together, not alone.
1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss
1 in 8 couples will have fertility challenges
90% of people with long-term fertility struggles experience depression
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month making this the perfect time to acknowledge a reality that touches millions of families every year, yet too often remains hidden in silence.
There are some heartaches in life that words can never fully capture. Fertility struggles, miscarriage, and infant loss are among them. These experiences leave individuals, couples and families carrying invisible wounds, trying to navigate a grief the world rarely knows how to hold. If you’ve walked this path, or are walking it now, please know this: you are not alone, and healing is possible.
The Myth Of Linear Grief
We’ve all heard of the “five stages of grief”: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But real grief is rarely a straight line. Instead, it’s messy like waves that rise and crash without warning.
Some days you might feel intense sadness. Other days you might feel numb, or even guilty for moments of joy. Anger may show up when you least expect it. You might skip a stage entirely, circle back to one you thought you’d left behind, or feel several at once.
This is normal. Grief during fertility challenges, miscarriage, or infant loss don’t follow rules. It’s a raw, human response to a love that has nowhere to go. Understanding this helps you give yourself grace. You are not doing it “wrong.” You’re doing it the only way grief ever really works: imperfectly, uniquely, and in your own time.
How Grief Shows Up Differently for Partners
A simple line vs a knotted tangle: in terms of feelings, grief is often the scribble.
One of the most painful parts of this journey is how differently partners often express their grief. For one, grief may pour out in words, tears, or a deep longing to talk. For the other, it may look like retreating inward, becoming quiet, or keeping busy.
When this happens, couples can feel misunderstood, unsupported and disconnected from the very person they need the most in that moment. The partner who withdraws may seem indifferent when in fact they are overwhelmed. The partner who longs to process may feel rejected when really, their spouse just doesn’t know how to respond.
The key is remembering: your partner’s grief may not look like yours, but it is still grief. Recognizing this can turn disconnection into compassion helping you stand together even when your expressions are worlds apart.
Common Thoughts That Keep Couples Feeling Alone
Some of the most common thoughts I hear from clients include:
“Why aren’t they grieving like me? Do they even care?”
“I feel so alone in this. I wish they would just hold me.”
“Every time we try to talk, it turns into silence or distance.”
“Intimacy feels impossible… but I also miss us.”
“I don’t want to burden them with my pain, but I wish they would notice.”
These thoughts are normal. What matters is finding ways to move from parallel grief into shared grief so you don’t feel alone while standing side by side.
The Silent Relationship Dances of Grief
When loss enters a marriage, couples often fall into unspoken “dances.” These patterns aren’t random, they’re protective. We do them to shield ourselves from emotions so big we don’t think we can survive them. Sometimes we even do them to protect our partner, fearing that if we let the grief show, it will break them too.
The truth is, most of us were never given the language or tools to talk about this kind of pain in a healing, connecting way. So we reach for coping styles that feel safer in the moment, but that can unintentionally push us apart.
Here are some of the most common stances I see in couples navigating fertility challenges, miscarriage, or infant loss, along with small steps and new language that can open the door back to each other.
The Obsessive Researcher
Endlessly tracking apps, analyzing articles, and processing out loud (over and over again). Beneath the search for answers is a desperate attempt to regain control in the face of helplessness.
Try This Instead: Pause the research for just a moment and share the feeling underneath “I’m scared we’ll never get there.” Let your partner see the heart beneath the facts.
The Minimizer
Offering jokes or quick reassurances like, “We’ll be fine,” or “Other people have it worse.” These words are meant to soothe, but they can shut down real grief.
Try This Instead: Swap reassurance for acknowledgment. Try: “I don’t know what to say, but I feel this hurts us too.” Naming the pain, even briefly, creates more connection than glossing over it.
The Avoider
Focusing on logistics or busyness instead of emotions. This often comes from the fear that if they start feeling, they’ll collapse.
Try This Instead: Pick one simple phrase you can offer without going too deep, like: “This is hard for me to talk about, but I do want to be here with you.” It’s enough to show presence without overwhelm.
The Blame Game
Pointing fingers: “You waited too long.” “You didn’t do it right.” Blame temporarily relieves powerlessness and can feel much better than profound sadness, but it builds walls instead of bridges.
Try This Instead: Shift from blame to vulnerability. Try: “I feel powerless, and blaming you feels easier than sitting with that. What I really need is…”
The Shame Spiral
Turning inward with thoughts like, “My body is broken” or “I failed my partner.” This self-attack deepens isolation.
Try This Instead: Speak the shame out loud. Sharing “I feel broken” allows your partner to remind you: “You are not broken. You are grieving.” Saying it aloud is often the first step out of isolation.
The Fixer / Facts-Only Partner
Clinging to protocols and solutions. Problem-solving becomes a shield against feeling.
Try This Instead: After offering one fact or plan, add one emotion. For example: “I found this new option, and honestly, I’m terrified.” Facts plus feelings create balance.
Sex as a Job
Intimacy reduced to schedules and outcomes instead of closeness. This can leave both partners feeling pressured or rejected.
Try This Instead: Reclaim connection outside of performance. Try cuddling, holding hands, or setting aside a moment for touch with no agenda. It reminds both of you that intimacy can be safe and nurturing again.
None of these responses mean you, your partner, or your relationship are broken. They mean you’re human. They mean you’re trying to survive grief the best way you know how.
The shift begins with awareness. When you can name these stances and see the protection underneath them, you can start to respond differently with more compassion for yourself and more empathy for your partner.
The silence builds walls instead of bridges at a time you need connection the most.
Ways to Reconnect When Grief Pulls You Apart
Imagine what could shift if, instead of colluding with silence, couples created gentle ways to lean in even if they grieve differently. You don’t have to grieve the same way to grieve together.
Here are some tender starting points:
Sit in Silence Together – No pressure to talk. Just sit side by side, hold hands, or rest a head on a shoulder. Presence itself is healing.
Share One Feeling a Day – Instead of long, overwhelming conversations, each of you name one word for how you feel today: “tired,” “angry,” “numb,” “sad.” Simple, but powerful.
A Gentle Ritual – Light a candle together at night, or place a small token somewhere visible to honor your baby or your journey. Shared rituals keep you united in grief.
Redefine Intimacy – Try non-sexual closeness: back rubs, cuddling on the couch, even brushing up against each other in the kitchen. Touch communicates safety.
Use “I Miss Us” Moments – Instead of saying, “We never connect anymore,” try: “I miss laughing with you… want to watch a funny show tonight?” It’s a softer bridge back to connection.
Get Support - Seek out a therapist, support group, or community where grief can be spoken and held. Having a safe place outside your relationship can take pressure off your partner and remind you both you’re not alone.
If neurodivergence is part of your relationship picture, remember these points as well:
If sitting in silence activates discomfort for you or your partner, negotiate how you can both sit together and recognize that your gaze can be wherever feels soothing: Quiet music in the background? Sounds of nature outside? Both of you with headphones on and in your own headspace but intentionally sitting together.
Make what seems implicit, explicit, for your partner. This helps keep verbal and non-verbal communication flowing
If identifying specific emotions presents challenges, try naming emotion zones and intensity when sharing “one feeling a day.” For example, instead of identifying anger, specifically, perhaps offer that your emotions are in a “hot” zone and the you’re at a 7.
Use written notes, drawings, or mutually agreeable non-verbal gestures to recognize when you’re missing a sense of connection with one another.
Take sensory needs for each of you into account when creating a gentle ritual and when redefining intimacy.
Collective grief is not only about loss…it’s about belonging. When we gather to grieve, we also gather to remember, to honor, and to rebuild love together.
When Love Refuses to Let Grief Have the Last Word
Grief will change you, but it doesn’t have to separate you. With compassion, patience, and courage, couples can rediscover each other in the very place that loss once tried to divide.
You may never forget this chapter of your story, but it can become part of a deeper, more resilient bond. Love doesn’t end with loss. Love expands, transforms, and…over time…carries us toward a new kind of wholeness.
And when you’re ready, remember there are safe places; therapists, groups, communities, where you can be held, seen, and supported. Hope is still here, even if it feels far away today.
Resources:
National Maternal Mental Health Hotline: 1-833-TLC-MAMA
Postpartum Support International: 1-800-944-4773
Starobin Counseling: (301) 417-5979 x0
References:
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC): Infertility and pregnancy loss statistics.
American Pregnancy Association: Miscarriage frequency and emotional impact.
Resolve: The National Infertility Association: Mental health and fertility.
National Institutes of Health (NIH): Studies on infertility-related depression and anxiety.
