Three Counterintuitive Steps to Heal Resentment and Reconnect

Ever felt like there’s a wall between you and your partner—even when you’re sitting side by side?  That quiet wall is often resentment—the #1 silent killer of relationships. Here’s how to spot it early and the 3 steps to break free and reconnect.

You know that feeling when you're sitting across from your partner at dinner, but it feels like there's a wall between you? When talking feels hard, hugs feel fake, and you keep thinking about everything they do wrong? You're not alone. What you're feeling might be something we don't talk about enough: resentment.

Resentment is a quiet relationship killer that shows up in all kinds of relationships including neurodiverse ones.  It grows slowly when we don't get what we think we deserve from our partner. And while we talk about communication problems or intimacy issues, resentment often gets ignored until it's already damaged the relationship.  

The Warning Signs: Five Ways to Tell You're Emotionally Disconnected

1. You're Keeping Score

Every nice thing becomes a trade. Every loving gesture gets compared to what you didn't get last week. You find yourself making mental lists of their mistakes while ignoring their good efforts. "I did the dishes three times this week, but they only said thanks once" becomes what you think about all the time.

2. Physical Touch Feels Fake or Doesn't Happen

Hugs feel like you have to do them. Kisses become quick pecks with no meaning. You might pull away from touch, or worse, go through the motions without feeling anything. Your body is showing what your heart already knows – the emotional distance has created physical distance too.

3. You Complain About Them More Than You Talk to Them

It's easier to tell your friends, family, or coworkers about your partner's problems than to talk directly to your partner. You've created a story about who they are and what they do wrong.  And you care more about being right about that story than fixing things together.  

4. Small Things Feel Huge

The way they chew suddenly drives you crazy. Leaving dishes in the sink feels like they're attacking you personally. Their laugh, which you used to love, now annoys you. When resentment takes over, tiny problems become giant ones because everything gets filtered through "they don't care about me."

5. You Always Think the Worst

When they're late, you think they don't respect your time instead of thinking they might be stuck in traffic. When they forget something important, you see it as proof they don't care instead of remembering that people make mistakes. Resentment changes how you see your relationship, making your partner the bad guy instead of your teammate.

What's Really Going On: Understanding Resentment

Resentment isn't just being angry or disappointed. It's the feeling you get when there's a gap between what you think you deserve and what you're actually getting. It's feeling like you're giving more than you're getting, that your needs aren't being met, and that somehow you're getting a raw deal.

This gap can happen with anything: not feeling appreciated, not getting enough affection, not getting help around the house, not getting emotional support, not spending enough quality time together, or just not feeling considered. The specific thing doesn't matter – it's the piling up of moments where you felt your needs or efforts weren't valued.

One of my clients referred to this as “death by a thousand cuts.” 

Resentment grows when we stay quiet about it. It gets bigger when we don't tell our partners what we need, when we expect them to read our minds, and when we don't deal with disappointments when they happen. Instead, we store them up, building a case against our partner that they don't even know exists.  

Why We All Hold Some Resentment

The truth is, it's really hard to express our needs. It's scary to tell another person what we want, what we desire, what our wishes are. Most of us were never asked growing up, "What can I do to make your life better?" or "What can I do to make you feel more loved?" If someone asked us that today, we probably wouldn't know what we truly wanted. We might be able to give a long list of what we don't want, but asking for what we actually need? That's terrifying.

It's scary to ask for what you want because what if we ask and we don't get it? That feels like proof that we're not worth it. I'm so aware of this all the time with my own kids. I tell them, "Ask for whatever you want, but know we may not always be able to give it to you – but you'll never know until you ask." As a parent, this is hard because I have to hold my own boundaries about what I can provide and what I can't – what is healthy for both of us and what is not – but I also want to build in them the confidence to ask for what they need and make them feel worthy enough to speak up.

Growing up, maybe we did ask for what we needed and we were shut down. Maybe we were told "you ask for too much" or "stop being so needy." That made us feel like we weren't worth it, so we shut down our desires and needs.   But our bodies and minds still know what we need – that's why we start to feel it in the emotional disconnection. We stop asking directly, but the need doesn't go away. It just turns into resentment when we don't get what we never asked for.

How to Move Through Resentment: 3 Steps to Reconnect

1. Look at Your Own Expectations

The first step in dealing with resentment is being honest about what you expect. Are your expectations realistic? Have you actually told your partner about them? Are you expecting your partner to meet needs that might be better met by friends, personal growth, or taking care of yourself?

This doesn't mean lowering your standards or accepting less than you deserve. It means getting clear on what you actually need versus what you think you should need. And it means taking responsibility for communicating those needs directly instead of expecting your partner to guess.

Start by writing down or recording yourself stating what makes you resentful, then ask yourself: "Did I clearly tell my partner about this need? Is this something they can reasonably give me? What did I do to create this problem?"  

2. Have the Hard Conversation

Resentment goes away when you talk honestly about it. This means having the difficult conversation about what you need, what you're missing, and how you've been feeling. But here's the important part: approach it like you're a team trying to solve a problem together, not like you're trying to prove they're wrong.

Use "I" statements to say how you feel instead of "you" statements that sound like attacks. Instead of "You never help with chores," try "I feel overwhelmed doing most of the housework and would love to find a way we can share it more evenly."  The goal isn't to prove you're right or make them feel bad. It's to understand each other and find solutions that work for both of you.

Important Warning: From the relational life therapy perspective, we also say this: take what you get. If you ask for something and your partner can give you 15% of what you asked for, take it and offer gratitude for that. If your partner can't do what you're asking at all, that's actually something to celebrate too – they are protecting their boundaries, which is healthy. Not every need can be met by your partner, and that's okay. The goal isn't to get everything you want, but to ask clearly and accept what they can genuinely give.  

3. Notice and Say Good Things

Resentment has trained your brain to see everything your partner does wrong while ignoring what they do right. You need to actively retrain your attention to notice and acknowledge their efforts, even small ones.

Make it a daily habit to find at least one thing your partner did that you appreciated, and tell them about it. This isn't about fake positivity or ignoring real problems. It's about creating a more balanced view and rebuilding the foundation of goodwill that resentment has torn down.

When you start noticing and acknowledging their efforts, you'll often find they start making more of them. Appreciation creates a positive cycle that can help bridge the gap between what you need and what you're getting.

Moving Forward

Resentment doesn't have to end your connection. It can actually be a signal that something important needs attention in your relationship. By recognizing the signs of emotional disconnection, understanding how unmet expectations work, and taking real steps to address the underlying issues, you can start to close the gap between what you need and what you're getting.

Remember, both partners probably have some resentment – it's rarely just one person. The goal isn't to eliminate all disappointment or unmet needs (that's impossible in any relationship), but to create a pattern where problems are dealt with quickly and directly, where needs are communicated clearly, with communication supports if needed, and where both partners feel valued and heard.

Your relationship is worth fighting for. Remember, the fight isn't against each other – it's against the resentment that's trying to convince you that connection is impossible. With awareness, communication, and commitment, you can rebuild the bridge that resentment tried to burn.

If these steps feel too hard, bring in a professional to help you and/or your partner, A professional can break through the tensions and help you identify your true needs, remove the resentments, truly heal and speak your truth in a way that can be heard.