Curiosity As the Bridge: Navigating Relationships in a Polarized World

When someone we love thinks differently than we do- especially about something that feels fundamental- it can feel disorienting, painful, or even threatening. Rather than trying to eliminate the space between, we can learn ways to live within that space.

We are living in a moment where relationships are being strained not just by stress or circumstance, but by identity, values, and worldview. Topics that were once private or unspoken now sit in the center of the room. Political beliefs, social perspectives, and moral frameworks have become deeply personal territory.

And when someone we love thinks differently than we do- especially about something that feels fundamental- it can feel disorienting, painful, or even threatening.

For many neurodivergent, ADHD, autistic, and highly sensitive people, this experience can be even more intense. Research has shown that neurodivergent nervous systems often process emotional and sensory information with heightened sensitivity and reactivity (Robertson & Baron-Cohen, 2017; Webb et al., 2020). Studies on interoception and emotional regulation suggest that autistic and ADHD individuals may experience faster physiological arousal and slower recovery during conflict, which can amplify relational stress. This intensity is not a flaw- it reflects depth of empathy, high perceptual awareness, and strong emotional attunement to the environment and relationships.

What we’re talking about here isn’t just disagreement.

It’s belonging.

It’s identity.

It’s meaning.

So when someone you care about lands in a different place, it matters.

But it doesn’t mean the relationship is over.

There is another way through.

Curiosity as the Bridge

In I Never Thought of It That Way, journalist Monica Guzmán invites us to reimagine what conversation is for.

“The purpose of conversation is not to win. It’s to understand.”

This sounds simple, but it’s radical in practice- especially in a culture where social media algorithms reward outrage and certainty rather than reflection and empathy. Guzmán, who has spent years facilitating dialogue across political divides, argues that true understanding requires curiosity, humility, and courage.

Curiosity asks: “What might I be missing?”

It makes room for nuance. It turns down defensiveness.

When we shift from convincing to connecting, we change the goal of communication from control to discovery. That shift physiologically lowers the threat response, softening the amygdala-driven “fight” reflex that so often hijacks difficult conversations.

Guzmán notes that we rarely change our minds because someone argued us into it- we change when we feel seen and safe. For highly sensitive or neurodivergent individuals, this kind of safety is not a luxury; it is a prerequisite for openness. The brain’s social and emotional processing networks are more reactive in people with heightened empathy or sensory sensitivity. When they perceive judgment or rejection, their system moves instantly into self-protection.

That’s why curiosity matters: it helps the body stay regulated enough for real listening to occur.

Curiosity says, “I care more about knowing who you are than proving that I’m right.”

It makes space for complexity. It builds psychological safety. And it allows relationships to remain intact even when agreement is impossible.

What We’re Actually Arguing About

Psychotherapist Esther Perel often reminds us that many relationship conflicts are not really about the topic on the surface. They are about identity, attachment, and meaning- the deep, often unspoken questions of belonging and recognition.

In couples work, Perel describes how people may appear to be fighting about chores, parenting styles, or politics, but underneath they are saying:

“Do you see me?”

“Do you respect me?”

“Can I still be myself and be loved by you?”

When our values or beliefs diverge from someone close to us, these attachment questions come roaring to the surface. The conflict threatens not just our opinions, but our sense of safety and shared identity.

Perel frames these tensions as paradoxes rather than problems- ongoing dynamics to be managed, not puzzles to be solved. In her teaching, she explains that in long-term relationships, many recurring conflicts are “not problems to solve, but tensions to navigate.”

The same principle applies when we confront moral or political divides: the discomfort may not have a resolution, but it can have movement. We can learn to live in the space between, rather than trying to eliminate it.

This is the essence of paradox tolerance — the ability to sit with two conflicting truths without collapsing into either. It’s an emotional muscle built through reflection, mindfulness, and compassion.

Perel’s insight helps us remember that love and disagreement are not mutually exclusive. The existence of difference does not automatically signal disconnection; sometimes it signals depth. When we allow the tension to breathe rather than rush to closure, we create space for new understanding to emerge.

For neurodivergent individuals, this can be both challenging and freeing. People with ADHD or autism often value clarity and consistency, and ambiguity can feel physiologically distressing. Paradox tolerance asks them- and all of us- to practice staying grounded in uncertainty, trusting that relationships can hold tension without breaking.

When we can say, “I don’t have to resolve this to stay in relationship with you,” we reclaim our agency. We move from rigidity to resilience.

The “Both-And” Mindset and Paradox Tolerance

A key skill in staying connected across difference is the ability to hold two truths at once—a both-and mindset.

Someone can be a person you deeply love and hold beliefs that challenge your values.

You can feel hurt and unsettled and still want to remain in relationship.

This does not mean ignoring harm or abandoning yourself.

It means recognizing that human beings are complex and our beliefs are shaped by history, culture, identity, trauma, and lived experience.

The goal is not to collapse the difference. The goal is to stay present inside it.

For neurodivergent or highly sensitive nervous systems, this may take practice- not because of weakness, but because of depth. When you feel deeply, difference can feel like threat. The nervous system responds accordingly.

The work is not to feel less.

The work is to stay grounded while feeling deeply.

Your Body Will Tell You When the Conversation Is Too Hot

When we feel threatened, overwhelmed, or unseen, the body often moves into protection mode:

There is nothing wrong with these responses. They are intelligent and adaptive. But we do not want to stay there.

The way back to connection always begins with the nervous system.

Practicing Both-And in the Body (90-Second Grounding Exercise)

Step 1 — Notice

Place a hand on your chest. Notice one thing happening in your body- warmth, tightness, breath. Breathe. 

Step 2 — Ground

Feel your feet connecting with the ground. Roll and drop your shoulders.

Step 3 — Name the Both-And

Out loud or silently, say:

“I can love this person, and I can still feel what I feel.”

or

“We are two people with two stories. Both belong here.”

Feel what shifts.

This is the work- not changing the belief, but creating enough safety to stay in conversation.

Conversation Prompts for Staying Connected Across Difference

Try these instead of debate:

•Help me understand the personal experience behind this.

•What value feels most important to you here?

•What emotion is underneath this for you?

•Can we name what we’re each afraid of losing right now?

Remember:

Understanding is not agreement.

Understanding is connection.

Closing Reflection

We do not have to choose between silence (self-abandonment) and severing (relationship abandonment).

There is a third way.

Curiosity as the bridge.

Both-and as the practice.

Paradox as the path.

If you’re navigating one of these relationships, you do not have to do it alone.

At Starobin Counseling, we help individuals and couples learn how to stay in connection without losing themselves.

References:

• Guzmán, M. (2022). I Never Thought of It That Way: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times.
  

• Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity.
  

• Robertson, C. E., & Baron-Cohen, S. (2017). Sensory perception in autism. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 18(11), 671–684.

• Webb, S. J., et al. (2020). The neurobiology of emotional regulation in autism and ADHD. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 112, 556–571.
  

• Porges, S. W. (2018). The Pocket Guide to the Polyvagal Theory: The Transformative Power of Feeling Safe.