STOP! In the Name of Love…
Don’t Let Fear Interfere with Repairing Your Relationship
Making love last requires courage…and commitment….and creativity….
There is a range of anxiety and fear-provoking issues that come up when couples start contemplating the future of their relationship, including whether or not to pursue couples therapy. Many couples are apprehensive about being vulnerable and open to what they may perceive as scrutiny. This article aims to reduce that anxiety and fear so that couples feel brave enough to seek help and to know what to look for in a skilled and compassionate therapist. Come along with me in dispelling myths about couples therapy.
1. The therapist will be 100% neutral or, conversely, the therapist will take my partner’s side.
A good couples therapist will be able to notice when to remain neutral and when to hold a spouse accountable for words or behavior. The therapist will gather information and observe relational dynamics in the beginning to identify the patterns, maladaptive behaviors, and underlying feelings. Rather than neutrality, I prefer to offer alternative perspectives, referred to as “joining in the truth” in the Relational Life Therapy (RLT) approach, as I observe the relational dynamics playing out in front of me. A therapist who holds a client accountable for actions or words that are detrimental to the partnership can offer feedback in a caring and firm manner that models how spouses can treat each other well, without minimizing or hiding from harsh realities. At some point, each partner will be held accountable in a loving, yet meaningful way that will promote growth and broaden each person’s understanding of what being relational really means in practice. Validating underlying feelings and individual experiences is an important part of this process but doesn’t take over in the couples therapy experience.
2. Therapy will just rehash the past and not help us move forward.
When couples therapy starts, it is important for the therapist to learn relevant historical information to help the therapist form a hypothesis about what needs to change first before that therapist even thinks of intervention. There is a risk that interventions done too early will be less effective because they can mistakenly address the symptoms and not the underlying patterns that lead to dysfunction in the relationship. An additional, relevant aspect of moving forward is each partner committing to doing the work and opening themselves to the idea that the partnership can discover a healthier way to be in relationship with one another. When I see clients engage in combative interactions in session, I will redirect them by using the interaction to illustrate non-relational ways that get them stuck, and then teach them more relational ways to communicate to help them achieve more of what they’re seeking in their communications and in their relationship.
3. My current issues in my relationship are not at all related to my family of origin.
As a Contextual Family Therapist, I acknowledge that the issues may not be directly correlated in some cases. However, we often develop our ideas about healthy and unhealthy relationships in our family of origin – the family with whom we grew up. Our relationship preferences grow as we grow up in our families of origin, and personal challenges often find their roots there, too. Almost every family therapy model acknowledges the role a partner’s family of origin plays in his or her ability to conceptualize and fully participate in relationships. Because of this, I generally assess clients' family of origin, family culture, family neurotypes, and impactful experiences (healthy or otherwise). The goal of family of origin work is to identify and validate key components and experiences and help the couple attend to those and reorient themselves to their family history in an intentional way.
4. Couples therapy is only for saving marriages.
Couples or relational therapy is for any configuration of relationships including married, partnered, separated, and divorced couples. It can also be for polyamorous relationships with multiple partners. It can be for dating and engaged couples. It can even be for platonic friendships that need repair. Any relationship that wants to improve is welcome in therapy.
Relational therapy can also be utilized to amicably divorce or coparent. There is the reality that for any myriad of reasons, a relationship just might not be able to be salvaged. However, ending a relationship doesn’t have to be a bitter and unhealthy situation. I have worked with partners who have identified that they cannot be happy or their best selves in the relationship but they want to separate in the healthiest way possible. In the same way that the therapeutic process requires effort from all parties in relationships aiming at repairing and strengthening the relationship, so does leaving in a healthy way.
Most of life’s challenges show up in our relationships, and especially in our important ones. For many, couples therapy can offer hope and direction for a constructive and connected path forward.
Rikia Ancar, LCMFT
Licensed in Maryland, DC, Texas, and Louisiana
Rikia Ancar, LCMFT, is an associate at Starobin Counseling who sees adolescents, young adults, couples, and families. In addition to being trained and licensed as a couples and family therapist, Rikia is mentored by Caron Starobin, LCSW-C, in Relational Life Therapy. To learn more about Rikia and to schedule an appointment, click here.
