Why Repair Is The Missing Skill Your Relationship Needs

Learning how to repair a relationship can build skills in nurturing the lasting health of a relationship.

Introduction

We all know that moment: you look over at your partner and you feel annoyed…frustrated…angry…like you don’t even like them. And you don’t know what happened.

After every argument you feel  deflated, rejected and a little more disconnected than the day before. Resentments build up and eventually contempt starts to take over. 

You don’t have the energy to spend three hours rehashing every detail of the fight until one of you admits defeat…you don’t want to sweep it under the rug waiting for the same argument to come back 10 fold next time…and you are sick and tired of the days or weeks of silence and awkwardness. 

January - considered to be a time for reflection and new beginnings - is an opportunity to think about what you want more of (or less of) in your life.  In this month’s blog, I’ll give you a powerful 4-step method in service of your resolution to  focus on the health of your relationships and remember love each day.

Why Repair Is The Missing Skill Your Marriage Needs

When my husband and I were first married, we would get into huge blow-out arguments. Once the argument was over he would want to talk about it for 3 hours and figure out who was right and who was wrong and I would just want to be done and move on. 

This debrief often ended up in another argument, followed by a couple of days of silence or “co-existing”. Both of us felt unheard, rejected and unsure of how to move back into harmony. 

I would usually give-up, admit fault and try to reconnect through a date night, silliness or sex. This would work, but the underlying hurt never got a chance to heal which led to a lot of resentments in our marriage.

We never truly repaired - we just moved on and held everything inside until the next time it blew up. 

When we started practicing the art of repair, our arguments became less, our scars started to heal and our intimacy became stronger.

That’s when we decided, “We’re not ‘fixing’ each other anymore. We’re making it a habit to practice repair.”

I’m inviting you to do the same!

Every relationship cycles through harmony and disharmony, and the longer we stay stuck in disharmony or sweep the hurts under the rug, the bigger the disconnection gap grows and the more resentment takes over your relationship. Repair is how we move out of disharmony and back to harmony quickly.

Let’s walk through how you can start adding repair to your relationship with 4 simple steps: a skill that only takes minutes (not hours) and leads to more intimacy, connection and understanding.

“Long-term observational research finds it’s not being conflict-free that predicts which couples stay together—it’s whether they can recover and reconnect after a conflict (their ‘rebound’), which strongly predicts divorce vs. stability.” (Rebound from Marital Conflict and Divorce Prediction by John Mordechai Gottman, PhD and Robert Wayne Levenson, PhD) 

How To Move From Disharmony to Harmony using the Feedback Wheel (The 4-Step Formula that Works)

One of the most effective ways to move from disharmony back to harmony is by using the 4-step feedback wheel developed by Terry Real, Founder of the Relational Life Therapy. Make sure to use this formula after arguments, days of tension or when you are feeling disconnected in your relationship, because the longer you wait, the more the resentments and frustrations pile up.

The 4-step feedback wheel formula: 

1: Remember love and state what happened

2. Name the meaning you made up

3. Own the feeling you had

4. Ask for what you want to make things better.

With these four simple steps, you’re tackling a number of relationship skills at once. You’re bringing in vulnerability, owning your reactions and feelings, and letting your partner know what you need in the relationship. 

That’s how you turn a moment of disconnection into a lifetime of intimacy and partnership.

Step-by-Step: How You Can Repair Today

I still remember the first time my husband and I used this tool. It felt wonky, uncomfortable and very unnatural. But…it worked! We both left feeling more heard, understood and connected each time we used it.

To create change we must do something differently. Anything new or different is going to feel strange…and that’s okay. In fact, it’s preferred. 

Give it a try. Then try it again and again until it feels more natural and watch how your relationship improves.

Step 1: Remember love.

You’re bringing this up because you want it to be better between you and your partner. 

Then name what happened like you’re writing a movie. No extra story, no commentary. Just facts.

Our partner can better hear us when we can remove the emotion, blame and accusations behind the statement. This also means you have a better chance of being met with understanding rather than defensiveness.

“Yesterday in the kitchen, I heard you say my dress was ugly.”

Step 2: Name the meaning you made up.

In relationships, we make up meanings constantly, based on our personal and relational history, our wounds, our beliefs, and what we learned growing up. It’s important to understand that you have one perspective and your partner has another perspective of the situation. Turns out you’re both right. (Learn more about meaning making in the article How Your Thinking Creates Your Reality by Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D.).

“The meaning I made up was… you hate the way I dress, you think I look awful and you don’t love me anymore.”

Step 3: Own the feeling.

The hard truth is no one can make you feel anything, even though it feels that way sometimes. We are ultimately responsible for our feelings and behaviors regardless of our partner's actions. 

So, the next step is to own how you made yourself feel based on the meaning you created. The important part here is to use works that speak to emotions, such as happy, sad, scared, hurt, angry, loved, guilty, etc.

“I made myself feel hurt and scared. Hurt that you don’t find me attractive anymore and scared that you’re going to leave me or criticize me like my mom always did.”

Step 4: Ask for what you want right now.

What would help you feel better right now in this moment? A hug? An apology? Being understood? A do-over?

“What would help me feel better is for you to assure me that you’re taking this serious and that you will do your best to not criticize me.”

And here’s the tricky part: accept what they’re willing to give. Your partner has boundaries. They can say yes or no.

But even if they can only meet you at 15% today, take it. Let it count. And ask for more over time, until you get closer to 100%.

Tips for the Listening Partner

If you’re the listener, your job is simple: hear and understand your partner’s perspective with empathy.

Empathy is compassionate curiosity about your partner’s perspective. 

It doesn’t mean you agree. It doesn’t mean you take the blame. It means you care enough to understand how they experienced it and take responsibility for your part.

Because that’s intimacy: I want to know you.

When you practice repair, you move back into harmony faster. Each repair doesn’t just “fix it”. It builds trust, vulnerability, and closeness. That’s how you stop resentment from becoming contempt.

Putting It All Together In One Simple Conversation

“Hey—can we do a quick repair?
Yesterday in the kitchen, I heard you say my dress was ugly.
The meaning I made up was that you hate the way I look and you don’t respect me.
I made myself feel hurt and small.
What I’d love right now is a do-over and for you to tell me what you actually meant.”

Ready For Your New Year’s Resolution Challenge?

Make a commitment today to practice this simple feedback wheel with your partner and then use it each time you’re feeling disconnected, hurt or in need of repair. It just takes minutes and saves you from decades of building resentment in your marriage.

If you need help mastering the feedback wheel and other powerful skills, tools and healing that will reignite your relationship, the team at Starobin Counseling is ready to support you. Contact our Client Care Coordinator or request a free, brief consultation with one of our providers.