Holiday-ing and Other Challenges: A How-To Guide

Sometimes things feel hard because they’re actually really hard.  Taking a few well-chosen tiny steps can make things feel just a little easier.

In an unexpected twist, this month’s blog comes to you from Starobin Counseling’s Admin Team!   It sounds a little quirky, but bear with me. To balance my complete lack of therapeutic credentials, I bring lived experience. My son is autistic and has severe ADHD.  Learning how to support him landed me on the twisty path to my own ADHD diagnosis.  To make a (very) long story short, I’ve had ample opportunity to: 

• learn many things about neurodivergent parenting the hard way 

• receive incredible guidance from people who DO have all the necessary clinical credentials and 

• embrace the fact that my ADHD superpower is basically the ability to translate almost any complicated information into…a user-friendly table format.

A Quick Background

The neurodivergent among us often crave routine & predictability.  Regardless of what holidays your family observes, heading into late December is tough. We might have changes in work or school schedules, offers of seasonal foods (and related: seasonal smells), shifts in our living space to make room for the bells & whistles of the season and occasion to interact with people using social muscles we’d forgotten about since this time last year.

All of this adds up to a probability of “basically definitely” that you (or your neurodivergent loved one) are going to reach the point where the work required to regulate emotions & behaviors requires more energy than you (they) have left in reserves.

I suspect that most readers know what comes when self-regulation tanks, but if you’re new in this space the options boil down to fight, flight or freeze.

An Anecdote

Here’s how this perfect storm of holiday cheer and neurodivergence might show up…let’s imagine that you’ve traveled with your autistic child to see relatives.  

It’s so exciting, we LOVE seeing the people we love!  Grandma has better snacks and interesting knicknacks and a dog that would be the cutest dog EVER if your own dog back home didn’t hold that title.  

It’s also a little hard, because your child has noticed that the water tastes different and the house makes unfamiliar sounds and grandma’s dog is great but really it just makes your child miss the one back home.

As your child’s ability to roll with the various punches wanes, you’re rising to the challenge of meeting their needs.  Noise cancelling headphones let them zone out to a favorite channel, you pick up bottled water because dehydration isn’t on the itinerary and you actively ignore the snark that’s starting to pepper your child’s tone because you and your child’s therapist have agreed that you’ve got to pick your battles and that isn’t one of them.

You are doing a BEAUTIFUL job of remembering that kids do well when they can (thank you Dr. Ross Greene) and discriminating between intentional misbehavior vs. the behavioral manifestation of your child’s stress (Dr. Mona Delahooke). High five!

Then you catch a (probably totally benign) look on grandma’s face, and since you’re right there with your kid in the space where your emotional capacity is about the size of a dustmite you tell yourself the story that grandma thinks your kid is a jerk and that you’re a pushover and that’s when YOU tip into fight or flight or freeze.

…I thought this was supposed to be a how-to guide?

I’m getting there!  I just wanted to make sure that you know that I know about the shame and the fear and the guilt and the anger and the protectiveness and and helplessness…and that I still think that what I’m about to offer up can be helpful.  

To be clear, this isn’t a comprehensive or magical solution.  It’s a small but concrete tool that has the power to bring back a sense of control and positive trajectory when I’m short on both.  Maybe it can do something similar for you?

The Survival Mode Survival Guide: Step One

Make a list of the early warning signs that you’re starting to be not-okay.  Here are a couple of mine:

• Reaching dinnertime without managing to drink anything but a single sip of water since that morning’s coffee

• Snapping at the kids for things I’d usually just roll my eyes at

The Survival Mode Survival Guide: Step Two

How do you know when you’re totally NOT OKAY?  Examples on my list:

• Exhausted, even though I’m using every spare moment to sleep

• Big, melty tears

The Survival Mode Survival Guide: Step Three-A

Write down a few behaviors that your personal version of “I’m okay” is built on.

The Survival Mode Survival Guide: Step Three-B

Operationalize your list into concrete, completely black-and-white instructions.

• “Stay hydrated” becomes “Find the huge orange water bottle, fill it up and keep it with me no matter what.”

• “Eat healthy” could look like: “Buy the bags of the super easy pre-washed, pre-cut veggies and my favorite dip so that I’ll actually eat the veggies.”

• “Stop isolating” sometimes turns into: “Text one friend a friendly bitmoji every morning.”

The Survival Mode Survival Guide: Step Four

Oooph this is usually the hardest part.  You have to notice the signs that you’re not okay, and then you have to do the things that will help you get back to okay. (Sounds too hard? This is where I point you to my coworkers who also happen to be incredible therapists at Starobin Counseling)

‘Tis Definitely the Season to Survival Guide

Today, though, we’re heading into the end of December in the United States.  Chances are good that you’re getting weary. Please gift yourself a few minutes to outline your very own Survival Mode Survival Guide. Put your plan into action.  See what happens.

PS My ADHD superpower wants you to know that I’d love an excuse to make a table for you to fill in for your own Survival Mode Survival Guide. Give a shout (and the gift of an excuse for hyperfocus): robin@starobincounseling.com

References

Greene, Ross PHd The explosive child: a new approach for understanding and parenting easily frustrated, chronically inflexible children

Delahooke, Mona PHd Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges