Toxic Positivity: When ‘Good Vibes Only’ Goes Bad

Real healing only begins when we embrace  the messy, full spectrum of feelings.

This last year, my good friend was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer while in her first trimester of pregnancy at age 36. Imagine receiving life-altering news and being forced to make tough decisions about your treatment—not just for yourself, but for another life you love as well. I absolutely couldn’t fathom the emotional weight of it.

Around the same time, another close friend lost her first dog—her child, her best friend. She was absolutely devastated for months. I watched as grief swallowed her whole.

And then, I watched society’s well-meaning but deeply misguided response to their pain. From one friend, she’d hear, “At least you’re young; you have a much better chance of fighting this.” Another would chirp, “The silver lining is you’ll be so grateful when your miracle baby is born!” For my grieving friend, people offered gems like, “But your dog lived such a good life, you don’t need to feel sad,” and “At least you rescued her! Think of the life she could’ve had.” I could go on, but needless to say all of them are in the vein of “Think positively!”

Were these well-intentioned? Absolutely. Have I said things like this in the past? Guilty as charged. But let’s call these phrases what they are: incredibly, unbelievably invalidating.

Let’s explore why toxic positivity is such a mental health problem.

What Is Toxic Positivity?

Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, you should maintain a positive mindset. It’s the classic “look on the bright side” mantra, taken to extremes. It’s slapping a smiley face sticker on a flat tire and expecting your car to magically start moving again.

It’s the insistence on good vibes, no matter what—and it’s exhausting.

Why It’s a Problem

When we force-feed ourselves (and others) a diet of relentless positivity, we’re essentially saying that negative emotions are unacceptable. This leads to suppression of genuine feelings, increased stress, and a one-way ticket to Emotional Breakdown City.

Phrases like, “It could be worse,” or “Everything happens for a reason,” can feel like pouring glitter on someone’s open wound. Sure, it’s sparkly, but it’s also painful and completely unhelpful.

I saw a candle the other day that said, “smells like this f******* sucks.” And I thought, wow, that’s actually perfect for people going through hard times rather than, “Remember to smile!” or whatever fluffy stuff is on grief gifts. Imagine receiving a gift that acknowledges your pain instead of trying to erase it—what a radical concept, right?

Real Talk: Life Isn’t All Rainbows and Unicorns

Let’s be real: sometimes life is more dumpster fire than fairy tale. And that’s okay. Pretending everything is peachy when it’s not doesn’t make you a beacon of positivity; it makes you human. Embracing the full spectrum of emotions—the good, the bad, and the ugly—is essential for authentic living.

Gratitude Is Not Toxic Positivity

Now, let’s clear something up: gratitude is not the villain here. Gratitude—when practiced authentically—is a powerful tool for mental health. The key difference is that gratitude doesn’t deny pain; it exists alongside it. You can be grateful for your support system while being angry at your diagnosis. You can cherish the time you had with your pet while mourning their loss. Gratitude doesn’t replace pain; it coexists with it.

Dialectics: Holding Two Truths at Once

Dialectics is the art of holding two seemingly opposing truths at the same time. Life is hard, and life is beautiful. You’re grateful for what you have, and you’re devastated by what you’ve lost. Toxic positivity demands that you choose one truth: happiness. Dialectics invites you to embrace the messy, complicated reality of being human.

How to Avoid the Toxic Positivity Trap

1. Acknowledge All Emotions: It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or scared. Emotions are a natural response to life’s challenges. Let them exist.

2. Practice Empathy: Instead of jumping to solutions, simply listen. Phrases like, “That sounds really tough” or “I’m here for you” go a long way.

3. Encourage Honest Conversations: Create spaces where people feel safe to express a full range of emotions without judgment.

4. Be Mindful of Language: Replace “Look on the bright side” with “It’s okay to feel upset about this.” Simple, but impactful.

Final Thoughts

Next time you’re tempted to throw a “just stay positive” at someone (or yourself), take a step back. Remember, it’s perfectly fine to not be okay sometimes. In fact, it’s downright human. Let’s retire the “good vibes only” mantra and make room for all the feels—because that’s where real growth happens.